I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
