Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
