If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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