how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this just has baby written all over it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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