I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
