nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
