You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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