either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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