i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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