Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
we should paint friendship bongs
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
