3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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