You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
