I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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