I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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