you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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