Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
