I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
