It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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