someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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