The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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