Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
