Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
