i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
