I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
