I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize