How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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