i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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