Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
