Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
