if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
