FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
