my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
