omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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