my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Randomize
