remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize