How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize