I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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