So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
