I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
