last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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