We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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