Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
