So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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