OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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