God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
false alarm, still single
Randomize
