I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
