dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
