she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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