Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
