throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
