she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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