Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
We're hate flirting, damnit.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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