3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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