My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
