I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
