dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
