I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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