Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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