I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
