i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize